Finally.

We're moved into a new house. Been waiting on this for forever. I've got a big bright room that I think I may be pretty much living in from now on. We should be repainting this summer, and also getting this place rewired, and maybe I'll even get to have a damned outlet in my room. As of right now, everything electric in my room is near my bed and working off of an extension cord that runs from the bathroom. Well, I'm going to go get back to my unpacking. Ttfn.

Individuality.

It's so repressed nowadays. Seems like every which way you look, there's someone trying to stifle your creativity, your personal style, your opinions, or your weird behaviours. I'm wearing three watches, and fighting with my gma like hell just to do it. At school, certain types of bracelets, pockets that aren't inset on your pants, studded belts, skulls on outfits, and lots of other random things are prohibited. I'm not allowed to wear "extremes" in make up, and likewise, "extremes" in hair aren't allowed. My grandpa says if I pierce my nose or lip, I have to find a new place to live. A friend of mine got suspended for having her hair in too bright a shade of red. I have some friends who are always telling eachother and everyone else what they should and shouldn't wear, or that they shouldn't have this piercing or that tattoo done. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, everyone, shut the fuck up and let others do what the fuck they want. Please and thank you.

Miss you.

I'm sitting here, tuning him out, listening to the rain. Chainsmoking, as usual. And you're who's on my mind. I'm doing my best to get him off the phone, saying what I need to to make him go away, so that way I can listen to our song without having to pretend to pay attention to his droning tales. I've gotten good at that, faking interest in what they have to say. They, as in all those guys I thought might just be the right guy to take my mind off of you. Because, in the end, they're all interchangeable, aren't they really? Different names, different faces, different details, but the same basic mold. And that's why you stand out so much, in my mind, because you don't fit their mold, you don't fit my mold, you don't fit the Jell-O mold, you don't fit anyone's mold. You're own personal mold was used once, for you and you alone, and then broken. And that's why I miss you, and think of you, and love you. I want you to know that you are who I would pick to lay next to every night if I could. But we both know that isn't possible, at least not right now. So until then, I'll just keep on distracting myself, I suppose, with all the guys who are the next best thing to the next best thing.

Sleep deprivation.

A few of the random things on my mind at the moment. I need to go to bed. I hope we get the money soon. Do I really want it to work, or do I jsut think I do? I miss her. He needs to leave me alone. How did I end up in this total fucking three point situation? Coffe. Starbucks in particular. I wish Camel No. 9's were still legal. So tired. Need something to read. I'm writing to make up for lost time. I really shouldn't, though. It just ends up being this huge fucking mess of emotions for me. I need to let it out more slowly. I may not even be showing emotions on here, but I'm feeling all kinds of them just from writing so damned much. But isn't that why I love writing? I think so. Bed? I think not. I need a ciggerette. It needs to stop raining so much. The rain is making me so sleepy. I need music playing. Wish my iPod wasn't dead. Do I really have what it takes? I need to take off all these layers, it's too warm in here for them. Joss Stone is playing, that's much better. Ugh; life. I think I'm kinda sad right now, but I don't know why. I also think I forgot to take my anti depressant and mood stabalizer the past two nights. That's probably why. I can't stop shivering. I talk too much. And I type fast but I keep making hesitations because I lose my train of thought, and I also keep making mistakes 'cause I'm so tired and I keep having to backspace to correct them. I miss my great grandma. Despite the fact that I basically think about random shit like this at once, and do so all the time, every time I try to think of something intentionally, my mind draws a total blank. That's really weird. I really hope my teacher lets me perform my piece again. If not, I get an F. In fucking piano. So not right. I think I'm going to go ahead and go to bed. I don't want to yet, though. I guess I kinda have to, though. I need to remember to write more tomorrow. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Just friends.

I wonder how that works. I try it, and something seems to always be off. It's more than just a little akward, and usually either a frenemie type relationship or something on the verge of getting back together, but not quite there. Or maybe it is there. Either way, when someone figures out the secret formula, fill me in on it. Please and thank you. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Drag queens.

One of my best friends is one. And someone I kind of can't stand, and sort of think of as a dear friend is one, as well. My basic opinions of them is that they're fucking awesome. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Snow.

So I was just reading a friend's post, and he mentioned that he wants to move somewhere where it's always warm. We can trade places, then. The lowest it gets is to freezing, and that's only in the early morning and late at night. I'd kill to get to live anywhere where it snows, or even get to play in the snow, at least once. I've never gotten to build a snow man, or have a snow ball fight, or make a snow angel. The closest thing I've done to playing in the snow is making a sleet ball after the most recent frost and throwing it at my neighbor's house, just 'cause he's a jackass. Does that count? I think I'm going to go to Salem, and visit my dear friend who's going to college there. Then I'll steal him away and go to the North Pole for a day. That sounds fun. Cold, but fun. Like I said earlier, snow is a current obsession for me. I'm kind of depressed that I've never played with it yet, and I'm already sixteen. I'll be seventeen by the end of the summer, still waiting for a perfect snow day, even just one. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Obsession.

People obsess too easily. I'm a guilty party as well. I go through obsessions with different styles of music, fashion, and food. One thing I don't understand(that I also do at times)is how people can end up obsessed with themselves. Like, not understanding that every single person has feelings, and emotions and desires, not just you. The other day I heard someone close to me tell his spouse that she can't be so indifferent with someone who's as depressed as he is. In my opinion, that's total bullshit. I think it's really kind of funny that someone can be so into their own life that they completley ignore the rest of the world. But more than funny, it's just sad. People should basically just stop focusing on themselves so much. It's healthier to focus on other people, like me! Joking. But seriously, we need to concentrate on things like our careers, our families, our education, our friends, our loved ones, whatever, just stop being so damned obsessed with our own actions. But, at the same time, don't lose sight of who you are, like, your own personal identity. Btw, my current obsession is Joss Stone, lace cap wigs, corsets, slouchy knee high boots, and SNOW! That's all. ZoomZoom(:

So I realised something.

All the sentimental bullshit I spout is wrong. No one is friendly and open, everyone hates everyone else, and friendship and love and compassion for you fellow man/woman is just total bullshit. Going back over the thoughts I have written in all of my journals, and seeing everything I've posted here, and knowing everything that I still think, I've come to realise it's all wrong. Just a security blanket that I need to toss out. All it took was a single message. All it took was for me to share one of my deepest, most secret desires with someone, and to find out that all they had to say to one of my happiest memories is "Oh." brought me to see the truth. Sentimentallity should be illegal, it's only a delicate, fragile spiderweb we use to keep us up, and when it shatters, we fall from one of the happiest states of mind we can hold into the deepest and darkest pits anyone could imagine. Dante didn't know about this particular type of torture when writing his Inferno. Maybe it's for the best. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Damned regret.

Regret. I've spent my wholel life avoiding it. Doing everthing possible to be regret free. I finally got tired of running. And the mounting regret has finally caught up with me. I look back now at all the little mistakes, the poor behaviour, the total fuck ups, and wish for nothing more than to go back and right them. If only, if only. So many things, little white lies told, sneaking out to this party or that concert, kissing a friend and wrecking a friendship, forgetting to say I love you while there was still time, turning away from a good thing, and not walking into something better. So many mistakes, and there's not a damned thing I can do to fix it. I wonder, is there something I could have done, to make it work out, to get over this arguement or that, to make her last days happier? And I tell myself it isn't my fault, but in my heart, it's so hard to believe it. Not even the biggest spoonfull of sugar in the world can make this medicine go down. But I still hope it'll help, and I still pray to fix it all, and I wish on every clock and star and candle to be able to go back and change it. Maybe someday, I'll get the chance. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

A dream within a dream.

Maybe things aren't always as wonderful as they appear on the surface. They're gilded, beautiful on the outside and plain and sometimes even ugly beneath. A lot of things in my life are gilded. I put on my makeup in a gilded mirror in the mornings. My great grandmama's favourite arm chair in her living room is heavily gilded. My own personality could be considered gilded. It's starting to seem that the relationship I've been in for some time now may be gilded. Everywhere I turn, the beautiful coating is starting to chip away to show the ugly framework that supports it. All that I see or seem, is but a dream within a dream. My entire life is turning into the dark abyss lurking under a shimmering sapphire ocean. I'm heading over an enourmous precipice, and everything is spiraling out of control, and I just watch it unravel, helpless to stop it. The only driving force is the building inertia. Everything is being mapped out for me, and it's as if my wishes are the least important factors of all. Hopefully, I'll soonfigure out a way to regain control over my own life, and make the structure, if not beautiful, at the very least less unappealing, like lessening the gap between the brilliant gilt surface and the frame on which it lies. That's all. ZoomZoom(:

Relief.

Thank God that a really good friend of mine just answered the text I sent him this afternoon. I had taken a nap late yesterday afternoon and woke up crying around seven because I had dreamt that he had been shot and killed. I texted him a few times trying to make sure it really was just a dream and he never answered me. I texted him again today and he finally just answered me. I was so worried that he really had died. I just told him how I wished he would've answered, because he's one of the few people who can cheer me up, and I so needed him to come hold me in bed. Guess that's all I have to say now. ZoomZoom(:

P. S.
If you read this, B, you know who you are, and love you boy<3

Ranting.

Perfection is too perfect. I'd much rather deal with the perfection of imperfection any day than deal with boring old perfection. I still don't have swine flu. Seems to me that I never will. I need to dye my hair, and maybe it'll look longer afterwards. My bed feels really uncomfortable right now. I'm already done with the new novel about Titanic I got just last Thursday. It was far too short. I still can't stop listening to Avril Lavigne. I want to get high so badly but I'm not going to. 'Cause that'd be, like, bad, and shit, right? Drop Dead Diva made me so mad because she's not going to jail, and she's not a lawyer anymore, I think, and she's got a HUSBAND that even SHE didn't know about. Where the fuck does he fit in to the battle she already has going about trying to choose between Tony and Grayson? Is it now Tony vs. Grayson vs. Ethan? What the fuck ever. And I have to wait until next season to see how it all pans out. My life is hanging on by a thread. I'm still questioning my choices, severely. I have to go open up about all my secrets to a fucking mental health specialist Tuesday. Who's bright idea was it for me to seek help, anyways? Oh, yeah. Mine. Fuck me anal for that brilliancy right there. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm almost out of Reese's peanut butter cups, and that makes me really sad. I'm a size three and a fucking half. I need to gain weight. I forgot to do my English/Geometry/Biology homework. I can't wait for Halloween now. Why in the fuck can't I go to sleep? And what on earth is that godforsaken sound buzzing in the corner of my room that won't go the hell away? I name inanimate objects. Including rubber duckies. Who are named Emma and Amelie, after characters in the book I just read. You should all go read Distant Waves by Suzanne Weyn, because it was simply amazing and I'll probably write a whole other blog about it later summarizing and reviewing it. I just started volume one of Night World by L. J. Smith. Guess that's all for now. ZoomZoom(:

This just in.

More of my random thoughts, straight from the source, aka my warped little mind, hot off the presses; I WANT DA SWINE FLU BITCHEZ SO GIMMEH ITZ! That is all. ZoomZoom(:

The random things currently on my mind.

My kitten, Monroe, won't stop sitting by me. It's really annoying because she's clawing at my wrists while I'm typing. I have a horrible headache. Avril Lavigne is awesome. I hate clingy people. Sex is good. I want sex. These ciggerettes are nasty. I want my ciggerettes. Just dance. My eyes look really pretty today. I wonder who left that nasty comment in my truth box. Nevermind what haters say, I love 'em in a crazy way. Mike Blunt is awesome. Coushatta's a cool dude, and cute. I like the name Coushatta. I want Hawiian pizza. The Domino's kind. I want to go to the mall with Kari on Friday. My poor Vans are falling apart. Kitties are soft. Is my phone dead? OMG MEXICANS RULE! I wish I was Asian. Andre thought I was Asian when he first met me. Andre's an idiot. Dr. Pepper and rum would be really good right about now. I need to repaint my nails. I cain't wait for Halloween. Let's all celebrate El Dia de los Meurtos this year. I want long hair. Idiots are funny. I wonder what it feels like to break your neck. Byron works at BlockBuster, he needs to bring me a copy of Practical Magic. And my damned shirt. He's had it forever. But I have his jacket. HA BITCH WHAT NOW!?! I'm surprised I haven't thought about death for a full minute. That sounds really macabre. My momma needs to watch Jackass. I need to stop ranting on here. That's all for now, my mind is either a total blank or currently too dark and disturbing to be shared at the moment. ZoomZoom(:

Intolerance entertains me.

I got into a fight with some really stupid guy online. It's stupid to argue with him, I know, but I couldn't help but go off on this intolerant little bastard. He very quickly got offline when he saw the response. Idiot. Anyways, here's the conversation;


hey wats up idk yu but yur cute

Thanks (: If you want you can text me sometime, I have unlimited texting haha, 1(***)***-****

kool ya know waat ill txt yu rite now its me when yu get a txt from 504-723-0819

Hey just wanted to let you know something. Don't judge a person till you get to know them. I want to design, because it's something pracitcal and artistic, in that I can use my artistic talents to create something that people will actually use. I wear a hoe costume every haloween because my friend (insert common girl's name here) is the pimp, we reverse the gender roles every year, and that's pretty common even among straight guys. And I wear girl jeans because I have a waist so small I see no point in not wearing them when they fit right, because I'm a size three, and I have an emo/scene aesthetic which means that I wear the eyeliner and the girl jeans and the converse and I listen to the rock and screamo. All around, I'd say that's pretty normal. So you can go fuck yourself you pretentious little asshole. Oh, and you may call me ugly but you yourself said I'm cute, so we both know that's a lie, since I have the best neoclassical, patricianesque physical genetics from seven different races. I'm not ugly, and I'm not just cute, I'm the most gorgeous person you could have ever had a chance with, and you blew it based on what? A pair of Levi's that fit my size 3 1/2 ass. Nice going, fucktard (:

wow yur so fuckin kool now that yu use big words that i cant pronounce and i said yu were cuter just to tlk to yu so ya know wat bak thefuck off my swag gtf ya lil crossdresser

Ha, calling me a crossdresser? Why not attack Jeffree Fucking Star, then, bitch? And I'm not trying to use a higher vocabulary than you, I'm just educated and very well read. Maybe you would be, too, if you put even half the effort in to bettering yourself that you do into hating on a Haloween costume and some skinny jeans on a fucking scene kid. Here's something that may even help you along, a beginner's list to classical literature; Vanity Fair, by William Thackeray, Pride & Prejiduce by Jane Austen, Sense & Sensability, also by Jane Austen, and another of her classics, Mansfield Park, if you're as dumb as all the other pop culture whores you must know Wuthering Heights just from watching Twilight, but keep going, try out something from other cultures, go for some Checkhov, Tolstoy, or maybe a little poetry such as Edgar Allen Poe, read one of Shakespear's plays or sonnets, look into a book on the subject of Queen Elizabeth I of England, or her father, Henry IIIV, perhaps something on philosphy is more your taste, look into Aristotle, research art, Da Vinci, Monet, Georgia Okeif, or is it beyond you that Dior, Chanel, and Balencgia are also artists of my particular brand? Because fashion is art, and one's body is one's canvas, and clothes represent our paint, our coal, our pastels and oils, and you're just an intolerant and arrogant little snob. Here's a few pieces of advice; Act unto others as you would have them act unto you. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Only God shall truly judge in the end. Hate is a sin. And an education is the most important thing you can possibly arm yourself with, and you're obviously wasting yours, if the grammar and spelling I've seen from you are any indication. Oh, one last thing, you tell me to back up off your swag, but boo, you ain't got no swagga like me, and you don't know what this insane bitch right here is capable of, so you best to back the fuck up off me nigga and leave me the fuck alone before I show you what the fuck your really made of, from the inside out, hoe.

So anyways, I took my number out for my own protection, but please, anyone and everyone attack this little prick. His name is Nick.

Things that are currently making me happy.

I'm getting my participation grade in Geometry without even taking a single note or even looking at the board because I know how to bend the rules. I have good friends supporting me during my current state of being constantly on the verge of a second nervous breakdown or just all out mental meltdown. Avril Lavigne's voice is amazing. My eyes aren't constantly rimmed by sleepless bruise-like markings anymore. I understand more about the symbolism of The Wizard of Oz in relation to the populism movement in the late 1900's than my American History teacher does because I'm an excellent English student. I'm learning My Immortal by Evanescence on the piano. And four dumb as fuck Christmas songs that I absolutley love. I finally found the guts to tell one of my best friends I'm in love with him and have been for a really long time and I always think about him, constantly, even though we're both currently in other, very healthy relationships, and that if ever they fail, I am here, and he said that he doesn't exactly feel the same way now, but you never know what the future may hold. I have an amazing and supportive and fun boyfriend. I'm finally getting people to stop trying to drag me into their personnal drama. I got an A on my report on El Dia de los Muertos for our heritage project in English, and an A on my work for our current chapter in Biology. I'm making a passing C in Biology and Environmental Science. I have this amazing new pair of jeans that is totally kick ass on me, even if they are two sizes too big. My hair is finally, finally growing out, slowly but surely. My friend Shanera isn't romantically obsessed with me anymore. The panic attacks have stopped, though my heartrate is still a little spastic, and the hallucenations are a lot less frequent, and I think they might actually go away soon. I think I may patent my design for the perfect woman. I think that's pretty much everything that's currently making me happy. ZoomZoom(:

Things that are currently pissing me off.

A lot of things are pissing me off right now. My iPod keeps dying. I'm stuck in a dead zone, and am having major Hell trying to talk to people. My hair refuses to stay straight, even though I spent two and a half hours straightening it. The B above middle C on my keyboard keeps doubling the value of each note. It's been raining for, like, two weeks, and it's pissing me the fuck off, because our yard is a total mess. I'm realising that things are going absolutley nothing like I had planned. My life is a spiraling chaotic vortex over which I have no control. I'm failing American History, Geometry, and English III, and I'm only barely passing Biology and Environmental Science. My hair isn't growing back out fast enough. I don't have the motivation to do anything right now other than practice piano and lay in bed doing this, or go smoke and make calls. And smoke some more. I have to cancel my date for Friday because I have absolutley no way to get there, but I don't have the heart to let Andre down. I'm going to the same city the next night and he's going to be on the way to baby sitting a half hour away from there. I'm broke. People won't leave me alone when I want peace and quiet, but they don't feel like talking when I'm lonely. Everyone on the face of the planet are stupid whores. I'm always tired and it's bugging me shitless. I think I'm stressing myself out to the point where I may or may not be developing a bald spot. I lost my favourite gauges. My room is super small. I need some new clothes that actually fit because I've lost so much weight. My favourite shoes are falling apart. I'm going insane. On the bright side, I get to go to the Museum of Fear at the Lafeyette Museum of Natural Science on Saturday. I think that's it for what's pissing me off. ZoomZoom(:

Kiss me, I'm a genius.

I occaisonally have brilliant ideas. I was sitting there watching my Charmed dvds, and I just felt that little light bulb go off over my head. My brilliant idea;; bring back Charmed. It's always been one of my favourite shows. I know that the actresses of original series were getting bored with the show after being on it for so long, but it's been long enough that if they got different actresses, it wouldn't be inexcusable. All they need to do is continue it, because there's been a long enough gap that they could have some decent story lines again, and I'd be happy as a lark. Chico, my chihuahua, agrees with me. Okay, so maybe this isn't the best idea ever, or the most well thought out, but I still think they need to give it a try. And I just got a text from my friend Travis who says I'm so right on this one. Hear that, world? Give the people what they want! And now, I have a date with a plot for revenge and a Lois Duncan novel, and Chico's ready for night night, so I'll return tomorrow. ZoomZoom (:

Drop Dead Diva.

I'm going to kill the writers at Lifetime. I was watching the new episode tonight and I mentally damned them to an etetnity in Hades. The show is absolutley amazing. It's smart, witty, dramatic, and basically just perfect. Except the fact that Jane still isn't with Grayson. Story line overview;; Model named Deb dies in a wreck with a grapefruit truck, same time, lawyer Jane dies from gun shot, Deb comes back with Jane's big girl body and genius IQ, and her fiance from her model life is the new junior associate at Jane's law firm. Now Deb as Jane must watch as Grayson falls for her coworker Kim, and she is currently dating some random named Tony. Now, the season's almost over and Jane's possibly on the way to jail, and not with Grayson, and I'm mad as Hell. My boyfriend agrees that she needs to come out and tell him already! I mean, if someone's your soul mate, then you need to let them know you're still alive and you can still be together, am I right? So not right. On another note, I'm saving up for thirty inch human hair clip in extensions, so please make a contribution. Yahoo is ashton_lee93@yahoo AIM is AstroLeelee and myspace is www.myspace.com/ashtoninsertscenenamehere so please help me out. I'll be forever grateful! That's all for now. ZoomZoom (:

An afterthought.

I still need to make $300 in ads for the yearbook, so if anyone in south Louisiana is interested in buying an ad space in the Erath High yearbook, email or im me, or contact me on myspace at www.myspace.com/ashtoninsertscenenamehere and thanks for helping a young boy out!

My uninhibited thoughts on true love.

True love. What does that even mean?! Some, when asked,would say that it's knowing someone loves you unconditionally, and that you love them in the same way. Others might say it's when you love someone so fully that their faults are perfection to you, or that you recognize their faults, but love them despite said faults. But is that really what true love is? Does true love even exist, or are we all driven by passion and lust? If true love is so perfect, why is it that people fall out of it? I'm sure I sound cynical, but I am, in fact, a romantic. I've been in love before, wether it was true or not, I'm still not sure, but it was real. I guess all I have to say is that I hope and pray that there's someone in the world who is truly my one true love. Until then, I'll have to deal with stupid assholes.

Sometimes I hate guys.

I'm seriously ashamed to call myself a guy sometimes. Most of them often try so hard to show that they're macho, it's pathetic. Last night my momma's boyfriend decided he wanted to fight me, and he's got four years on me. I'm taller, but he could take me out in a heart beat, and he knows it. I'm not a fighter, but I braced myself to take that hit like a fucking man. He sat there afterwards and called me a faggot multiple times trying to antagonize me, and thakfully it failed. I don't care what he has to say about me. But that idiot seriously thought he'd show how much of a big strong man he was by trying to take me out like I was absolutley nothing to fool with. I will cut a bitch. Trying to seem all big and tough and macho, like a big super guy, is such turn off, it's not even funny. I hate people who think that they have to be homophobic, super strong, big buff guys, just to prove their manhood. It's the most idiotic thing. It was quite a display, though. Great entertainment. Still ruined my night, though. That's all for now, I suppose. Why am I gay, again? Someone please remind me.

Going back to school.

I am so not ready to go back to school. I'm supposed to have made $300 for my yearbook, but I've made zero. I have none of my school supplies. I've read all summer, but I didn't read my summer requirements. Basically, I'm fucked. At the same time, I can't wait to go back, get to see all of my friends again, it's going to be stellar. I went to orientation today, and I thought I'd kill myself of boredom. We had to sit through an hour of my dumbass principal talking, repeating the words Etcettera, Actual, and Accelerated Reading. The dumbass put our freshman pictures on our sophomore id cards. Our class shirts are insanley huge. And they're going to shrink insanley small. Until then, my friends and I shall be siamese twins, all in turn, in our huge shirt-dresses. I guess I'll just have to get ready soon. That's all for now. More later, maybe.

Tiffany & Co.

So I've always liked the idea of getting something in the blue box, but I had never realised just how badly I've always wanted a piece of Tiffany's jewelry until this morning. It's impossible for me to ever afford it, and I think it'd be the only piece of jewelry I need to wear for a lifetime. Okay, so that's an overstatement, but it would be one major item in any outfit. My new goal in life is to be able to have enough Tiffany's to decorate a Christmas tree or two. I'm going to have to either be super rich or one helluva gold digger to do that, but one way or another, I'll get it done. I just hope it's option one, because like they say, the only thing better than getting a diamond is buying one yourself. http://www.tiffany.com